Keep Calm and Advocate

 Oftentimes, as parents of autistic or special needs children, we can run into others who might say some unbelievable things about the disorder. This is not the time to become angry or offended. Many times, people who say these things are simply uneducated about autism and need an explanation of how things work. So, in the interest of being helpful, I am sharing with you some of the most ridiculous things people have said to me about autism. 

"Your son doesn't look autistic."

This was said to me by a friend of mine who had had no exposure to special needs people at all. In his mind, they all carried the same vacant, faraway expression and neutral face so that it can be seen with your own eyes that they are autistic. There is nothing further from the truth. 

While some children may carry that expression, it is not solely a look of autism. We all make that same face in our lives for different reasons. All of us are guilty of spacing out once in awhile and going off to our own little world. That doesn't mean that all of us are autistic. 

The spectrum for autism is so expansive that there cannot be any one distinguishing mark or expression to label them all. Some autistic individuals might not be able to express what they are thinking or feeling while others can speak and function like any other person in society. What I told my friend about this statement was that there are too many faces out there to know what autism looks like and then explained why there was no specific "look" for an autistic person.

"You only have to spend a few minutes with him before you figure out there's something wrong with him."

I don't know how anyone else would react to this, but I immediately had to catch myself before I said something I would regret. I knew the person making this statement didn't mean anything by it. He was simply telling me he could tell that my son was not like your typical child of his age. 

Still, there is one major thing here to focus on and I had no problem educating this person on the way he chose to express himself. There is nothing wrong with my son. He's autistic. He's not afflicted with some disease. It is a condition that is widely recognized and has become more common in recent years. To imply there is something wrong with him is to say that there is something wrong with being autistic. There is nothing wrong with it. Autism is simply a different way of thinking and processing things. Being different does not make anything wrong. I told him there was nothing wrong with my son. His autism makes him unique. And that is something every parent can say about their children. 

"Your son will never grow up to do anything but drool on his own shoes."

This person has obviously never dealt with special needs of any kind for him to make such a narrow minded assumption. After speaking with him for a few minutes, it became obvious he didn't want to know anything about special needs. He had his own beliefs, as uneducated as they were, and there was no swaying him from that. It's unfortunate we might run into individuals with this mindset, but most people just need a push in the right direction. 

Autistic characteristics are not solely staring off into space, never speaking and hardly feeling things. There are many autistic individuals who are able to function normally in society and there is no way of knowing they might be autistic. 

What this person was trying to say is that my son would never grow up to be a doctor or a lawyer or some other difficult profession to get into. That may be true. He may not. How many people in the world actually grow up to do those things? Some people never would aspire to undertake something as difficult as medical school. Some people just grow up to be average citizens in society and there is nothing wrong that. 

While it could be true that my son may not grow up to be a doctor, I choose to believe he is fully capable of being anything he chooses to be as long he is dedicated enough to make it happen. When he was very young, he wanted to be a train engineer. Later on, he wanted to be a teacher or a school principal. Today, he wants to be a firefighter. I take these stages as opportunities to teach him about his interests. When he is an adult, maybe some of this information will stick with him and he will be able to make it happen. 

This person believed me to be so blinded by my mother's love that I just couldn't see what my son really is. Well, maybe I am a little blinded with love for my son, but that doesn't mean I have to stop encouraging him to succeed every day. Truth be told, I have learned more about myself just by raising him. And that experience is priceless. 

"A good spanking will clear that autism right up."

Good grief! I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes at the level of, I'll say it, stupidity. Autism is not a disciplinary problem and no amount of "spanking" is going to take care of it. Anyone who deals with autism already knows this. 

That's not to say that autistic children never need discipline of some sort. Sometimes our methods may need to be a little creative. Getting to know your child better will help you understand what will work best for you. 

"If they are having such a problem with these kids, people should just stop having them."

I don't know about anyone else, but I didn't choose to become a parent of a special needs child. It was just something I was blessed with. Solon may have his moments and drive me insane at times. His appetite may rival that of a starving bear. However, life with Solon has been something of an adventure and I wouldn't change it for the world.

This comment was made to me before I even had an autistic child. I was at work and one of my jobs was to kindly ask if people wanted to donate to a children's hospital. When I asked this woman if she wanted to donate a dollar, this statement was her reply. And she began comparing the needs of a terminally ill child to the needs of a special needs child.

It became apparent in the conversation that followed that this was something she had put some thought into. She honestly couldn't understand why anyone would waste their time and energy on children who needed so much help. It wasn't the amount of help they needed that upset her the most, though. 

She pointed out to me that many of these kids were smarter than her. They had special gifts in some areas such as music or language. And, in her honest opinion, if they were smarter than her, they didn't need any extra help. 

As parents, we want our kids to be smarter than we are. To be better than we have been. It may take Solon a few tries to pick some things up, but he is so much smarter than I would have ever expected. That doesn't mean he doesn't need some extra help or guidance. After all, he will need to learn to use that gift of intelligence if he's going to succeed at anything in life. 

Every single one of us as parents will find ourselves in situations where people don't understand what our children deal with due to autism. This is not the time to become offended. Think of these situations as educating opportunities or learning experiences. However you'd like to word it, make this time about advocating for your child and educating others who may not understand. We are the best support our children have. 

As always, stay positive...

- Jen