Getting Past The Death of a Loved One

 Recently, we had a death in our family. Dealing with the passing of a loved one can be a difficult time for anyone, but particularly for an autistic individual who may not understand the concept of death. In my never ending quest for knowledge about the autistic community, I thought it would be useful to discuss a few different ways to help your autistic child heal from the death of a loved one. 

Be Direct

Most people will avoid talking about death with their autistic child until they absolutely have to deal with it. While I understand why, this may not be the best idea. For an autistic child, the concept of death may be more difficult to recognize than that of a typical child. This difficult subject needs to be discussed in depth and often in order to help them gain a small understanding. Because death can be painful for anyone, it might be more traumatic to everyone involved waiting to have this talk after a death occurs. It's better to be direct about it and honest. Let them know exactly what death is in the most gentle way possible and have this discussion often. If your autistic child has to deal with the passing of a loved one, they may be better prepared to deal with it. They will still be in pain, just like everyone else, but at least they will have a better understanding of what they are dealing with. 

As a general practice in everything, I find that being direct with Solon is most helpful. Being open and honest about his situation helps him better understand on what's coming next. Doing this with him helps him have a clear idea of what to expect so he can focus on what is about to happen and know what he has to do in order to deal with it. It basically gives him a plan for when the time comes and he feels better prepared and is less prone to panic. I don't think helping past the death of someone works any differently. Being direct and honest with each other helps us work together as a team to tackle many of life's difficulties. 

Let Them Grieve

Suffering through the death of a loved one is going to be difficult no matter how much you might try to cushion the blow. Your child is going to be sad and needs time to grieve. As adults, we may be able to handle things and grieve privately away from the public eye. Your autistic child will not understand when the best time to let their feelings show will be. Let them grieve however they need to and as often as they need to. Be compassionate always. Understand that the process will take time and do your best to help them move past it. Remember just because your autistic child is not displaying signs of grief does not mean they haven't been impacted by a death. It's still important to see what you can do to help provide some comfort during this difficult time. 

Fortunately for us, Solon has never had to deal with the death of a person that he was extremely close to. I do have an idea of what his grieving process might look like. Pay attention to the signs your child shows when things are difficult for  them. Knowing what their signs of distress look like will help you better understand how to help them cope. 

Maintain Routines

It will still be important to follow your usual schedule throughout the day. Children, especially autistic children, need a regular routine. Having them go through their regular routine can provide them some comfort as they begin to feel normal again. However, do not be so rigid in your schedule that you cannot take the time to grieve. Grieving is an important process for you both to help you properly heal. 

Solon absolutely thrives on his schedule and having a regular routine has saved us from dealing with a lot of stress. As Solon has gotten older, his need to stick to his schedule is not as strict as it used to be. While he still likes having a plan for his day, we can still take some time to work through any of the hardships that life throws our way. 

Death is an inevitable thing that we will all be forced to face some time or another. Helping your child prepare for death will make it easier for you to help them. Keep in mind that there are many different ways to grieve and it is no different for your autistic child. Even laughter at inappropriate times can be a sign of distress. Be knowledgeable about your child's grieving signals and remember to always show them love and compassion as they deal with this difficult time. I found these tips and more at https://blog.theautismsite.greatergood.com/coping-death/. Check it out if you'd like to see some other ways to cope with death. 

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As always, stay positive - Jen